Monday, May 16, 2011

POTW and Sad Slump

I know I have had a serious rough start to my Photo of the Week (POTW). I'm going to give you my excuse in a minute... but I wanted to post the picture first. Because my Charlea is just so darn cute with her cucumber. She Loves to eat cucumbers like this.... just like her daddy.
Ok, now, I am really force posting right now. I really want to be in bed, but every time I open my laptop I feel this nagging force pulling me over here. I've been sick. The sickness has pulled me into a zombie-like sad slump. I've been feeling this way for over two weeks... much longer than a common sinus infection should take to go away. I guess since I don't even have a break between work and taking care of Charlea, I haven't allowed myself to get better. This sickness has exhausted me, depressed me. I haven't felt like taking pictures... I haven't felt like blogging... I haven't felt like getting out of bed most days. I am in desperate need of a clear sinus and motivation. Which brings me to my next paragraph :)
Today is Tyson and my 2nd anniversary. We decided that we wouldn't get gifts this year to try to save some cash. Of course, I should have known that Tyson would not keep his promise. He is much too sweet... and romantic... and... well... perfect. Thanks to my mother in law, we found ourselves with some rare alone time. I mustered up the energy to put on some make-up and a nice dress. We went to have lunch and see a movie. Since it was a special occasion, we went to town square. It is a tad out of the way.... but a very, very cute spot. It's an outdoor mall, but upscale, and designed to look like a little swanky town complete with fancy restaurants and a movie theatre. As we made our way toward the restaurants I asked Tyson what the Tilly's bag (in his hand) was for. He said that he needed to return some stuff while we were there, and it didn't cross my mind again. We sat down outside of this great Mexican restaurant called "Lolita's". It was a beautiful day. A bit on the windy side, but underneath the restaurants overhang with the long white drapes, it was lovely. In between delicious bites of white corn tortilla chips and savory chipotle salsa, I was complaining to Tyson how sad I've been feeling lately. Sad that i'm sick, sad that I haven't been taking pictures or blogging, and sad that I just haven't felt myself in far too long. I could feel myself getting emotional just talking about it. He said "It's ok babe, you just need some motivation". Cue heart wrenching song and lump in my throat (The song I have playing on here was the song playing at the restaurant). Tyson pulled out a gift from his "Tilly's" bag. With tears welling up at the speed of light, I asked him what it was. He said "Motivation." I read the sweet words on the card and tried hard to contain my tears. Failed. I looked through the wadded up bits of tissue paper and found a beautiful little Sony box. It was an HD video camera. Something that I have been wanting for a very long time. While this may not seem like a very "sentimental" gift or tear worthy, in that moment I felt so much. The past few weeks I haven't been cooking enough, or cleaning enough, and it hurts my heart to say that I probably haven't been loving enough to Tyson OR Charlea. EVery night for the past few weeks I went to bed feeling like I could have been a better wife and mom that day. I felt like my husband saw me in all of my pathetic-ness (the past few weeks) and still loved me enough to want to make it better. There is a part in the song that says "all my scars are open, and my heart is broken"... they were and it was.
Life is not always pretty for me. But being married is beautiful. Being loved with such fire is beautiful. Being scooped up off the floor by Tyson is Beautiful. Exposing your scars to someone is beautiful... especially when they love you more for them. Tyson, Happy Anniversary. I am sorry for being such a zombie lately. Words cannot describe how much I love you.
Before anyone gets the wrong idea.... I know what the lyrics to this song might make you think. It has absolutely nothing to do with our relationship. It is just a song with powerful words that made an emotional moment, even more emotional.
Now as I have it on repeat.... I think I'll dedicate this song to my sadness/sick slump. Slump, you had a good hold of me... and I let you suck the life out of me for way too many days... but I am done with you. "shout it from the roof tops, write it on the skyline, all we had is gone now".
Sweet dreams.

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