Wednesday, June 1, 2011

June 1st

Today is a bitter sweet day for me. It was suppose to be my due date. I've been counting down the days all week... all year really. I was afraid of what I would feel today. Today I remembered waking up with terrible cramps on that dreaded day in November. I remember feeling like a failure when I realized what was happening. I remember feeling empty sitting in the hospital room. I remember looking into the sad eyes of the doctor, hoping he would tell me it wasn't happening even though I knew the baby was gone hours before then. I feel a little sad today. I think I will feel a little sad for the rest of my life. I also feel really grateful because it isn't until you live through pain that you find the true beauty in the simple things. Today I took the time to actually watch Charlea falling asleep. I laid down on my bed with her and closed my eyes so she would understand that it was nap time. When she thought I was asleep, I slightly opened my eyes to watch. Her eyes were heavy so she would lift her eyebrows hoping that her eyelids would follow suit. When that didn't work she would play with her fingers until her arms got too heavy to hold up. She would doze off for a second and then all of the sudden giggle and babble some Charlea nonsense as if she were trying tell herself "haha, tricked you.... you really thought I was asleep!". Then when she could fight it no longer her eyes shut tight and her whole body melted into the bed. It's like a little dance she does before sleep. Not that I wasn't madly in love with her before the miscarriage, but she became so much more precious to me. Something I thought impossible.
Ok are you ready for the sweet part???!!! We are happy to report that Charlea will indeed become a big sister. We have known for a while but, for obvious reasons, wanted to make sure that the pregnancy was healthy. And it is. I've been terribly sick and exhausted and emotional and all of the things that come with all of those lovely pregnancy hormones. I guess you are never really completely out of risk to loose a baby, but I have a very good feeling about this pregnancy. When Tyson and I found out we were pregnant last September, we were shocked and a little scared. We hadn't planned on having another quite yet and we had every reason to wait. While we still may have some reasons to wait, we fell in love with the idea of Charlea growing up with a sibling so close. We fell in love with the idea of 4 Taumaoe's. 2011 has been a great year for our family and we are so excited to think about starting 2012 with a new addition.
Here is to my little baby up in heaven whom I will never forget, here is to my husband and daughter who helped mend my heart, and here is to a happy and healthy nine months (or 6 more). Goodnight!

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